I Used to Have a Hole in my Heart

We all search for something, something that completes us, gives us meaning, happiness or contentment. We sense this “hole” in our life, in our hearts. We have this lingering sensation that we have something missing. Some of us search our whole lives and never find it. Some of us search for a while, think we have found it, center our lives around it only to have it fail us. Others of us find, grasp it, believe it, let it grow us and end up happier for it. What is “it”? Money? Fame? Family? House? Stuff?
For myself and many like me, we finally found the piece that fits that hole in our hearts. It wasn’t always this way, most of us don’t discover the hole until we are much older. Throughout most of our lives we survive on instinct, not ever aware that we are trying to fill a hole at all. But once we realize what we are doing, we are usually to the point of being able to admit that everything we have used up until that point — has not worked.

It starts with knowing what your identity is. Who we think we are is how we try to fill the hole. Who are you? In your core, at the center of your being, what are you? When all is stripped away, what remains?

I am adopted. I used to place my identity in this, in a negative way. I was fatherless and had no family to belong too.

I placed my identity in my parents, and when they “failed” me, my identity was shattered.
I placed my identity in my grades and education. When others were smarter or made it farther in school, again my identity was shattered.
I placed my identity in my weight and looks. When those fluctuated and radically changed with age and childbirth, my identity was once again shattered.
I placed my identity in my childhood and the abuse I suffered. I became a victim and my identity warped my sense of self to the point that I was shattered.
I placed my identity in a man and when he abused me to the point of nearly taking my life, my identity was shattered. If he cared so little about me, how much was I worth? What was my purpose?
I placed my identity in another man, and when he left me after we got pregnant, again my identity was shattered.
I placed my identity into friendship after friendship, and one by one they failed me or left me, and again my identity was shattered.
I placed my identity in my family. I pushed unspoken unrealistic expectations on my sister and brother-in-law. When they inevitably failed to meet these expectations, again my identity was shattered. I expected things of my husband’s family that was illogical and against their nature and when they failed to live up to these expectations, my identity was shattered.
I placed my identity into my relationship with my husband. When he disappointed me, again my identity was broken.
I placed my identity into my role of wife, and when I screwed up over and over, my identity was shattered.
I placed my identity into my role of mother, and when I screwed that up over and over, my identity was shattered.

It wasn’t until I stopped placing my identity into the things of this world that I started to be satisfied. The hole in my heart could not be filled with people, children, relationships, money, education, or anything else this world has to offer me. Time and time again, either others or myself would continue to let me down because we are human and completely fallible. To fill my heart with these things would leave me empty and broken over and over again.

Only when I filled the hole in my heart with the love of Jesus, did I ever become content. Only in Him did I stop searching for something to complete me, to satisfy me.
It was only once I fully truly grasped my need for a Savior and allowed Him to become my everything, did anything else make any sense.

I am a Daughter of the King and nothing else matters. It truly doesn’t. And before you dismiss it, before you chuck my ideas out the window as “religious garbage” let me walk you through the “how”.

In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even if my parents are taken from me, HE still remains in me.
In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even if someone else has better grades, HE still remains in me.
In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even when my body size changes, HE still remains in me.
In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even when I am ridiculed by others, HE still remains in me.
In Jesus with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even when my significant others fail me, berate me, lie to me, cheat on me, beat me, steal from me, destroy my things and my life, HE still remains in me.
In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even when family isn’t what I want them to be, even if I have no family, if they are all taken from me, HE still remains in me.
In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even when I am a “bad” wife, even when I berate my husband, disrespect him, or treat him wrongly, HE still remains.
In Jesus, with His power in my heart, I am who HE wants me to be. So even when my children misbehave, or are taken from me, HE still remains.

His forgiveness remains in me.
His grace remains in me.
His love remains in me.
His acceptance remains in me.
His plan for my life remains in me.
His will for my life remains in me.
His joy still remains in me.
His peace still remains in me.

Nothing in this world has satisfied me the way God has. Nothing has remained even when everything else has left me empty or let me down.

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